22 June 2008

Are Microsoft Jokes Old Hat?

“Microsoft sucks!”

Time and time again, you hear the same old stabs at all things produced by Bill Gates’ mega-corporation.

There are countless jokes about how poorly Microsoft performs, with claims of systems freezing up abounding. Mac users love to complain about how slow MS operating systems run. Linux/Unix users like to say that MS operating systems are too bogged down with extraneous and redundant systems checks.

There’s one joke in particular that continues to make its rounds. It goes as follows:

At a [not-so] recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating, "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
  1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
  2. Every time they painted new lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
  3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.
  4. For some reason you would simply accept this.
  5. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
  6. Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought "CarNT," but then you would have to buy more seats.
  7. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but it would only run on five percent of the roads.
  8. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "general protect ion fault" warning light.
  9. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.
  10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the antenna.
  11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally Road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 percent or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
  12. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
  13. You'd have to press the "start" button to turn the engine off.



Heard this one before? Thought so. This joke was obviously written when Macs were superior and Windows ’95 still floundered. Let me address each of these point-by-point, based on my own experience:

1. “For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.”

COUNTERPOINT: After moving from Windows ’95 to XP, I have rarely if ever experienced a crash. If I did have a crash, it was a hardware error or a virus. Now, Macs, hmmm, I’ve had the extreme misfortune of having to use Macs at most publishing companies, and they were constantly crashing.

2. “Every time they painted new lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.”

COUNTERPOINT: Although this used to be true, all updates for legitimate copies of a Windows system are 100% free! Are all the updates timely and do they all improve your system? Not always.

3. “Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.“

COUNTERPOINT: This is really an expansion of point 1. It’s been forever since I’ve had to restart my Windows XP. Macs on the other hand? Are you familiar with the spinning wheel of death? Most Mac users are, and they typically deal with them at least every other day. The only course of action to resolve the wheel? Unplug the Mac, which is horribly detrimental to the system.

4. “For some reason you would simply accept this.”

COUNTERPOINT: What choice do you have, regardless of the system you’re using?

5. “Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.”

COUNTERPOINT: Once again, another outdated comment and repeat of point 1 and 3. The writer of this joke is a bit of a broken record, eh?

6. “Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought "CarNT," but then you would have to buy more seats.”

COUNTERPOINT: Eh? Definitely an outdated observation. All Windows systems since NT offer the ability to set up multiple user accounts.

7. “Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but it would only run on five percent of the roads.”

COUNTERPOINT: “Sorry, Mac lovers. Why do Apple products run quicker? It’s because they don’t have all the systems checks in place. If you’re not checking to make sure that your system is running correctly and virus-free upon opening, of course it will run faster. All it’s going to take is for one Mac-hating proficient hacker to destroy every Mac OS out there. I’ll take the extra 10-30 second delay for the sake of security, thanks. As for powered by the sun? Is there any reason in hell you should have to send your iPod back to the shop to replace the battery or that your iPhone has bubbling screens and run off a monopolistic relationship with AT&T? And they call Bill Gates an evil proprietary ass.

8. “The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "general protection fault" warning light.”

COUNTERPOINT: Yep, another outdated comment. As a Windows user, when was the last time you received this warning? If ever?

9. “The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.”

COUNTERPOINT: I see their point here. If you need emergency defenses to deploy, you don’t want to have the system ask you for permission to do so. However, I’ve not seen a Windows system ever have to take this step. I personally like the “Are you sure?” step, especially during the trash/recycle step. Unlike a Mac, that doesn’t ask and permanently deletes the program or folder with no recourse for recovery.

10. “Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the antenna.”

COUNTERPOINT: CTRL + ALT + DEL? Wish Mac offered this function. Is this really so complicated that it’s worthy of a stab? At least you can use this feature without having to turn off the whole system like on Macs.

11. “GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally Road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 percent or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.”

COUNTERPOINT: Hmmm, not sure what in the world this refers to. Definitely outdated though.

12. “Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.”

COUNTERPOINT: Isn’t this true with any system? In fact, it’s true with most all new or revised products. That’s just the way it works. Users hated XP when it first came out, but now, they scream about how they want their XP’s back and to do away with the glitch-riddled Vista (which has taken large steps to mimic the supposedly superior function and feel of the Mac OSX.)

13. “You'd have to press the "start" button to turn the engine off.”

COUNTERPOINT: As a wordsmith, I appreciate this irony of this point. How would you name this though? Would you create a separate “Turn Off” button outside of the Start Menu? Suggestions for improvement will always reign supreme.


Conclusion:
If you’re going to cycle the same joke around, make sure it’s humor is timeless.

An All-Too Similar Post:
A Programmer Cliché

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