Town Bans All Peach Pictures

The mayor and City Council of Sweethome, Alabama, held an emergency session this week. The topic on hand was any form of advertising that includes an illustrated peach. Town officials claim that advertisers intentionally use sexually charged angles and exaggeration of the fruit's signature crack to sell more product.

In his formal statement, Mayor Joe "The Evangelist" Jones said, "This is a wholesome town, an All-American God-fearing town. We won't stand by as companies slyly try to use sex to sell their wares."

Advertisers are up in arms over the claims. Most of the brands with the offending images are from major distributors. They explain that the images are drawn in ways that will automatically register as a peach, not in ways that elicit lust.

CEO John Lyman of the Yummy Yogurt company said, "Look, you got to be some sort of perv to get turned on by walking through the food aisles at your local grocer."

Most Sweethome stores have circumvented the law by covering the images with large stickers.

Bluetooth's New Slogan

Bluetooth released their newest ad campaign today.


(Bluetooth: Helping Crazies Look Less Crazy)

The new ad was inspired by the sight of a down-right schizophrenic homeless drifter and a woman in a business suit walking side-by-side. Both looked like they were talking to themselves, but only one had a Bluetooth headset.

Curves Members Protest Opening of Men-Only Gym

In a scene ripped straight out of the 1960s, dozens of women converged to picket a newly opened men-only gym.

Engines is the newest gym to open in the Atlanta general metro area, and it's already garnered much criticism. Most of those to protest the exclusivity of the men-only gym are members of Curves, the nation's fastest growing work-out facility.

Signs wagging on the protesters' frontline include such messages as "Go back to the Fifties, Ward!" "Chauvinism is dead!" and "Exclusivity is bigotry."

The founder of Engines admits that he's quite confused as to why he's attracted so much negative attention. "I started this gym for pretty much the same reason that Curves was started," says Jim Halleran.

Mr. Halleran has the classic "tall, dark and handsome" features ladies are said to desire. He says that half the time he went to work out at his former co-ed gym, he was approached by women. Halleran, who has been happily married for nearly 20 years, explained that he doesn't wear his wedding ring while working out. "The absence of my wedding band seemed to signal to the ladies in the gym that I was open game. Even after I told them, some would continue to press me and tell me that they didn't mind that I was married."

In the locker room, Halleran would often speak with or overhear conversations that indicated a need for a men's only gym. "I'd hear some guy express his overwhelming sense of insecurity when working out in front of women. Other fellows would comment on how every time they brought out Sports Illustrated, Maxim, or some other male-oriented magazine, some woman would inevitably harass him about his macho reading choices."

Ultimately, Halleran wanted to create a gym where men can be men. This decision has been met with incredible resistance from the female populus in the area surrounding Engines.

One female protester said, "Gentlemen clubs were outlawed in the 80's and 90's for a good reason. Men used their exclusive clubs to oppress women and minorities. Their day has come and gone, and opening Engines is an attempt to return our society to that oppressive culture."

When presented with this statement, Halleran said, "I knew that I would catch heat for opening an all-male gym. I expected it. Although I have no plans on opening membership to women, we do not limit membership based on ethnicity. In fact less than 40% of our members are Anglo in their ancestry."

As one member of Engines was confronted by a protester, he declared his intention to apply to join Curves. The protester stood aghast and replied, "Why? So you can stare at my tits, you pig?"

Curves has yet to file any charges against Engines, but rumor has it that the corporation may sue Halleran on grounds of Trademark infringement. Halleran said he's prepared for a long and spendy trial, and he has contacted the ACLU for help with his case. The ACLU has yet to respond to Halleran's request.

Note: This is a satirical piece. None of this is real, but it is loosely based on similar incidents. I thought the "satire" tag would clue folks in. Alas, it did not so I am posting this small print to cover my butt in case a protest/boycott results from what I have written.

Decembrists to Receive Award for Most Pretentious Band of 2009

With their recent concept album "Hazards of Love" flying off virtual shelves, Portland-based band The Decemberists are quickly on their way to mainstream heights.

Many factors have spurred them onto such widespread acceptance, but the Society for True Talent has dealt a potentially devastating blow to the band. The STT recently released their list of nominations for various awards they give out at the end of June of each year. Topping the "Most Pretentious" list is none other than The Decemberists.

The Chairman for the STT says, "There a whole ton of reasons we nominated them for this award. Most namely is the way they try to craft their lyrics in ways that would really only appeal to Brit Lit college majors."

The title track to "Hazards of Love" contains perhaps the most notable example of how The Decemberists write these type of hyped up lyrics. Take this line for example:

The prettiest whistles won't wrestle, the thistles undone

"The whole idea of this maiden in green tromping through the woods seeking her true love is best left to Arthurian Legend," says an anonymous member of the nomination board.

Other reasons cited by the STT point more to their attitude than their musical ability. Here are some of the reasons submitted by nominee members:

• "Colin Meloy sings in that asynine pop-punk voice made popular back in the 1990s by Green Day. That pseudo-British accent just grates on me, and let's face it, British doesn't equal classier these days."
• "They're from Portland, Oregon, but their lyrics reflect an obvious pining to have come from Portland, Maine. Classic of bands who feel like the town that made them popular is a sh--hole."
• "They dress like a bunch of hipster doofuses."

To date, The Decembrists have received the most nominations for "Most Pretentious Band of 2009." That doesn't mean they have the award all tied up. There's still two months to go before the nomination period closes.

Miller Lite Issues PC Users Cease and Desist Orders

The loudest sectors of the Windows vs. Mac fans were hit with a cease and desist letter from the Miller Brewing Company (MBC).

MBC contends that the hardware of any PC, regardless of its operating system, is essentially the same. As the gap between the top two operating systems (Mac and Windows) continue to close to similitude, the whole debate has become a matter of personal preference.

"We hadn't realized how closely these rabid fans had come to completely violating our well-known slogan," said MBC's CEO. "One day, one of our IP lawyers overheard an employee from accounting arguing with another from the advertising department about which of them had the superior computing system."

According to the account, the two were rabid with each other. When an IT employee who is a avid supporter of Linux systems walked by the two, he is reported as having said, "Apples. Oranges. They're both fruit. 'Tastes great... Less filling!'"

Despite calls from both Microsoft and Apple for MBC to terminate the cease and desist order, the Miller Brewing Company refuses to grant their request.

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This story is completely fictional and meant as satire.

Satirize Your Rants

I know, I know. Too many months ago, I said that I was going to take a new tack in regards to writing on this blog. In the tradition of "The Onion," I was going to write biting satirical pieces to vent my rage over certain things I read about... FAIL!

When it comes down to it, I'm afraid. That's right; I'm afraid to rant even via satire on this blog for fear that I will turn off too many of my readers. I always fear that I'll upset some of my neighbors and friends. It's time to get over that fear. In the meantime, I'd like to invite you to vent your rants in the form of satire, too!

WebRing recently launched a ring contest system that allows it's premium members to create and host contests. I decided to take advantage of their new system and created this contest:

Satirize Your Rants

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Description
Yeah! We know you're livid right now. Instead of griping, why not poke fun at the source of your anger?

Submission Rules
So you want to show us just how irreverent your rage can turn when you give it a twist of humor? Knock our socks off! Your entry should be...

• Free of author angst
  
• Written in 3rd person
  
• Read like something from "The Onion"
  
• Make us laugh our butts off!!!
  

No topic is off-limits. But please refrain from gratuitous graphicness and keep your entries under 1000 words in length.

Deadlines
First day to submit: 03/16/09
Last day to submit: 07/01/09
Contest judging ends: 07/31/09

Flash Fiction Contest

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"I feel guilty when..."
Not into ranting? Here's a contest hosted by WebRing themselves. Here are the details...

Description
Flash fiction - a story told with few words, a powerful piece of prose. Your challenge, should you accept, is to finish this sentence in 250 words or less: "I feel guilty when..."

Submission Rules
We will assume all entries as fiction, but you may submit a true confession. Entries must be free of typos and must not exceed 250 words in length. Mature entries are allowed, but nothing explicitly violent or sexually graphic will be approved.

Deadlines
First day to submit: 04/08/09
Last day to submit: 06/01/09
Contest judging ends: 06/30/09

You do NOT have to be a member of WebRing to participate in these two contests. You can find an updated list of the latest contests created by members here.

Hope to see at least a couple submissions from my writing amigos!

Sarah Palin in Disney's "Head of Skate"

From the producers of "The Mighty Ducks" comes the blockbuster of the holiday season.


"Head of Skate" - CollegeHumor.com

Sarah Palin Is a Valley Girl

If you're familiar with the expression "gag me with a spoon" and the culture that associated with it, you know what a "valley girl" is.

Back in the early eighties, the term was so popular that there was even a short-lived television series based on the culture.

Paris Hilton and her ilk might like to think that they created the super-materialistic, vacuous bimbo image, but they are mere echos to the rampant material girls who strove to imitate women living in the world-famous Los Angelic "Valley."

But, how does this make Sarah Palin a "valley girl," you might wonder?

In Southcentral Alaska, the small towns of Palmer and Wasilla are collectively referred to as "The Valley." Wasilla, as you recall, is the now infamous hometown of Republican Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin.

Aside from being the meth capital of Alaska, Wasilla also boasts the second highest concentration of "hot" women (Girdwood, home of disgraced Republican Senator Ted Stevens, being the first). "If Lindsay Lohan lived in Alaska, she'd definitely live in Wasilla," said one University of Alaska, Anchorage, Freshman.

Add to all of that the fact that Sarah competed in the Miss Alaska beauty pageant, and you have a recipe for a bona fide "valley girl."

While investigating a tie between Ms. Palin and the possibility in her involvement in the valley girl movement of 1983, one anonymous classmate had this to report: "I've always remembered how in our senior year, Sarah said, 'Like, wouldn't it be sooo rad if I became the first woman president?' I used that line day for years. It never got old."